Dan’s Karaoke life had started so well. He had always been told it would do him harm eventually. Mess with his head. But Dan wouldn’t listen. After his first night he had spent the next few days with a huge grin on his face like a Cheshire cat. Never quite sure why Cheshire cats were supposed to grin, Dan supposed that perhaps they put something in the milk down there, completely unaware that cats were lactose intolerant, and would probably get explosive diarrhea. This was certainly something that would wipe a grin off any creatures face. Blissfully unaware of this fact, however, Dan stuck with his simile’s explanation, and felt content.

During this early time there were only two things going through his mind. The first being the words to ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’ and the second being the thought "I’ve tried Karaoke". Unfortunately for the former, he hadn’t quite grasped the entire lyrics, and couldn’t sing it all without the aid of the karaoke lyrics. This left his mind with sporadic burst of random lines, and often left him confused and disorientated. People had always told him that this sort of come down can get quite heavy, but Dan didn’t think too much about it, he was on top of the world.

The craving, however, started to brew. A karaoke gremlin had set up camp in the pits of Dan’s stomach, and it demanded more. And so when the following week came along, it really didn’t take much for Dan to take another hit. Soon enough, the weeks began to roll by. Tourist season came into full flow, crowds got bigger, and the gremlin’s lust for Karaoke suddenly could not be satisfied. One hit a night quickly became two, and before long, Dan was singing up to four or five hits a night.

But the buzz was still good.
Oh so good!

Even now, sat in the alley, Dan started dribbling at the thought of those initial days. A time when Karaoke made him feel great, not just feel normal. He remembered the rush of Euphoria as he sang his opening lines, the spine tingling sensation starting in his arse (he didn’t understand that, but didn’t really care either), flying up his spine and exploding onto the scene at the front of his head. It usually made him dizzy, but that was all part of it. As he staggered off stage once completing a song hit, the adrenaline sent his heart pounding, his head spinning, and feeling better than a post orgasm joint.

It wasn’t too long before Dan became something of a local Legend. The karaoke host, Kev, had nicknamed him ‘Mr. Microphone’. Probably due to the time he tried his best ‘Satan’s blow-job’ impression, by sticking the microphone in his mouth and making a kind of sucking screaming sound. In that particular song his had his hit turned off. A horrible feeling that he never wanted to repeat, and so he behaved himself after that. His name started being placed on the chalkboard outside his local pub.

"Tonight:
Kev’s Karaoke
with Mr. Microphone"

People were turning up just to hear him sing, and so inevitably it wasn’t long before the chalkboards began to change

"Tonight:
Mr. Microphone
with Karaoke Kev"

Tourist began buying him drinks, women threw knickers at him, and before long the pub began to pay him to turn up. The crowd loved him.

But then it all changed.
Well, not necessarily all of it.
In fact it was actually all pretty much the same.
With just one minor enhancement.

One night, a regular Karaoke fix of a night, ‘Purple Man’ walked in. So called because his skin consisted of two possible colours. Sunburn pink in the summer, and hypothermic purple in the winter. A Goliath of a man, standing proud at six foot seven, with a build that would look better suited to an alcoholic construction worker than a kayak instructor. Yet he seemed to defy all logic and gravity in his chosen career, with swift, and elegant movements in all that he did. The imposing figure that he is, Dan noticed him straight away as he entered stage left into the pub. With all the grace and charm of a smooth talking ladies man, Purple Man walked straight up to the most beautiful woman in the pub, bought her a drink and began to chat her up. Dan was walking on stage to sing a rendition of ‘Five Hundred Miles". As he began to scream the chorus, Dan watched amused as his metaphoric Gremlin friend jumped out of his mouth, ran across the room, tweaked Purple Man’s nose before punching him square in the face. Purple Man threw his drink over the girl in question, exclaimed a loud "fuck!". He had seen the light, and was soon to became an addict. An addict just like Dan. His partner in crime. Those were the days. Together they took Kev’s Karaoke by storm. Week in, week out, ‘Mr. Microphone and Purple Man’ would come and sing their repertoire, hit after hit, ‘Danger High Voltage’, ‘Song 2’, and of course ‘Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds’. On top of the usual hits, they were always in favour of trying different forms of Karaoke too, perhaps just to see what different effects they would have. Occasionally they would mix a little ‘ironic’ into the cocktail, or spice it up with a ‘Sid Viscous’ version of ‘I Will Survive’. A quick lesson they learnt was to never mix their regular songs with anything containing a it of speed. ‘Rawhide’ and ‘Johnny B Good’ all seemed like a good idea a the time, but they were only led to regret those decisions. They often left the duo stumbling their lines, and the crowd unable to be brought back from a feeling of confusion and anger. But, supposed Dan, if you want to experiment with something like Karaoke, you need to expect the occasional bad hit.

When it came to the pairs Karaoke, however, it was the gremlin who was in the driving seat. Nothing could stop them, not even themselves. The months began accelerate. Summer quickly turned into Autumn and the tourist season began to die Down. Dan remembered his last ever night in Cornwall like it were yesterday. What a night to finish on. Around about 50 students had descended upon the pub, and for reasons to which neither Dan nor Purple Man could understand, they had all decided to take karaoke in fancy dress. Dan looked around the room, it was full of cowboys, gorillas , angels, devils and anything else they could think of. Purple Man looked at Dan with a puzzled look on his face. Dan looked back and tried to match the puzzled look with one of confusion. It didn’t quite work, and ended up looking like he was constipated. But then they both shrugged, and said "fuck it, why not?"

They ran to the kitchen at the back of the pub, and began searching for anything they could find that could make a costume. After a few no go ideas involving cling-film and kitchen roll, they quickly came to find the only possible solution to their answers. Bin bags. And with that, they donned caveman style black plastic, and re-entered the pub. It was packed, people everywhere were gratuitously taking karaoke, openly in front of the startled regulars. But it was Mr. Microphone and Purple Man who took the night by storm. Suddenly their fun with Karaoke had turned into a serious undertaking. With so many people taking Karaoke around them, their lust overcame them. The Gremlin took control as they stole other peoples hits. They even shared microphones with complete strangers, never once showing concern for cross-contamination. They sang anything they could get their hands on that night, take any hit song in any form possible. They mixed their hits, took double hits, tried new Karaoke, and churned out the old classics. The reveling of the night soon became a hazy mixture of lights, music microphones and excessive consumption, all swirled into a pit of hazy pig swill.

That was the last night that Dan had ever spent in Cornwall, it was the following day that he was packing up to move to away. But that night was also the night that Dan had realised that his habit had gone beyond just a bit of fun. He began to realise that it was turning into a serious addiction, something to which he would in future have to depend upon for happiness. The moment he realised this was not the excessive consumption, or the hazy debauchery that was displayed throughout the night.

No. Not for Dan
It was at the start of the night.
His very first song.

The moment he realised the potential extent of his karaoke addiction , was when he discovered that he could sing Karaoke sober. And with that thought in mind it was time to leave the lively, happy-clappy land of Cornwall, and move somewhere much darker, seedier, grittier. Karaoke would never be the same again. He was moving to Glasgow….

* * * * *

A cat walked up and began to piss on Dan’s face. He choked and spluttered, and took a swipe at the offending moggy. Dan lay under his box, in the Glasgow Alleyway, his thoughts had meant he had drifted off, unaware of his surroundings again. Reminiscing about the good old days gave him a warm feeling in his stomach. It even revitalized some of the buzz of those days. Yet one thing still eluded him. After moving he never did keep in touch with his partner in crime, Purple Man. It was as if he had just faded away into a purple haze. He often wondered if Purple Man had succumbed to the same fate as him, but somehow he doubted it. Being a monster of a man, Purple Man could probably take six hits a day, and still never miss a day of work. An unstoppable machine that quickly became the stuff of Legends. But Dan would never know if life had taken as bad a turn for Purple Man as it did for him after their split.

Chapter 4 (coming soon ... link don't work!)

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