Yor

The first thing that needs to be said about this movie, is something that should, and shall, be said about all Reb Brown movies. REB BROWN RUNS LIKE A GIRL. I’m talking proper girlie running here, more like skipping with the arms waving wildly all over the place. There, I am glad I have got that out of the way. This is something that is apparent from the word go in this movie. Yor dramatically enters, and proceeds to skip across the desert, arm flailing about, and generally he is looking like he has never ran across rough terrain before. I sure this wasn't the intention. I'm sure, that the intention was for Yor to come across as quite adept and at home in this barren landscape. Equipped with nothing more than an axe, a loincloth and a fantastic theme tune, I sure he was supposed to appear to be some kind of natural hunter, at one with his surroundings and senses. But unfortunately, as I have said before, REB BROWN RUNS LIKE A GIRL.

That said, everybody should be like Yor. Everybody should have their own them tune. A theme tune that not only can inspire you to achieve great things in your life, but can also inspire those around you to become better people, and put their absolute trust in you. Yor's theme tune is great. It does all that a personal theme tune should do. It spontaneously burst into play whenever he does something slightly random, like killing a giant bat and using it as a hang glider, or performing fantastic trapeze stunts with an aging, fat caveman who has man-boobs. But more about those incidents later.

Yor is a hunter. Quite what he hunts is a mystery to me. With this movie apparently set in Pre-historic times, surely everybody is a hunter, therefore making the term 'hunter' meaningless. Nonetheless, Yor is a hunter. In this, his first and only movie, he quickly befriends the saggy old man, Pac, and a very clean cave woman called Kala. Together, they travel through prehistoric lands, accidentally destroying every single tribe, village or civillisation that they happen to come across. I mean all. Sorry to give that one away, but seriously. Yor is the cause of the destruction of no less than five tribes of people. Sometimes intentional, sometimes purely by accident. He is one of those people that you really would try your best to divert from your village. He is however, quite adept at killing mutated paper-mache dinosaurs. I say mutated, because they are quite simply like no dinosaurs I have ever seen, and react like no creatures I have ever heard of. The first being a cross between a stegosaurus and a triceratops, a tristegoceretops if you will. But after killing it, he does what every hunter would do, drinks it's blood, but as he so wisely puts it, "drinking the blood of your enemy makes you stronger". Then there is the giant bat. The most useful creature in his entire world. Not only does it fly past at just the right time, but this creature conveniently goes into instant rigor mortis, even before it hits the ground. This allows Yor to use the said bat as a hang glider to fly into a cave, rescue Kala, and you guessed it, entirely wipe out the tribe that kidnapped her. Fantastic stuff.

This is a very interesting world, it has to be said. There are a few things that can be learnt from this movie. The first learning point I shall divulge is the concept of a flaming sword. In theory this is something that should look cool. It looks good when drawn, in comics and cartoons. But if you actually try to do it in reality, you soon discover that the flame practically goes out every time you take a swipe, not flaring up as you’d hope. So what can we learn from this? Simple. If you have a sword… do not set it on fire. It may seem like a good idea at the time, but it just doesn’t work. Swords are deadly enough on their own, without the risk of scalding yourself. The next point is that you can make absolutely anything out of straw. Straw seems to be the most versatile substance in the entire world. Pac's bow and arrows are made from it, villages are entirely made from it, they even sail a boat made from straw. Which bring me to my next learning point, if you are planning to sail to a place called 'The island of Storms', don't do it in a straw boat. That really is just asking for trouble.

But it is at the island of storms that the movie takes an unexpected twist (at least it would be if the blurb on the back of the video box didn’t tell you the entire plot of the movie). The movie gets invaded by a completely different movie altogether. But not just any movie, it gets invaded by a cheap remake of Star Wars. Led by the 'Overlord' who is a dead ringer for the Emperor, and his team of robots, who are dead ringers for Darth Vader, they capture Yor and demand to take over the movie. Despite futile efforts to resist, Yor is eventually forced to submit to there demands and pick up his blaster rifle to continue the battle. Something which he learns to use confidently in a very short space of time. It is a skill he needs in his later movie, Space Mutiny. Where Reb Brown also RUNS LIKE A GIRL, SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL and generally ACTS ALL GIRLIE LIKE.

In Conclusion

Have I mentioned that REB BROWN RUNS LIKE A GIRL yet?

Bad rating:
BRAINMELT:

SBIF:

"Damn talking box!"

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