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Just another one of those mornings ...
My alarm went off, it was bad, it was painful, but I knew I had to move to stop it. Reaching down below the bed, I took a firm hold of the wooden handle, and swung my sledge hammer over myself and the bed, landing it on the clock in question. Naturally, it had the courtesy to explode with delight. I also managed to smash a plate and mug, which was a bonus, as it cuts down on washing up. The sound of a shotgun went off from next door, the old man must have been hunting for rats again. The gun went off again, some plaster fell from the ceiling and landed in my eye. I fired off a couple of rounds of the magnum through the wall, just to keep him on his toes. Changing myself from not clothes to clothes, I felt myself wake up a bit. I went into the kitchen and ate every bit of food I could find. then I ate the fridge, the washing machine, and half of the kitchen table. I couldn't bring myself to finish it, as it was left over from yesterday, and there is nothing worse than cold table for breakfast. following the pants, I left the kitchen to enter the bathroom. Upon entry I found a damn lion sitting in the bath. I couldn't believe it, it had used my bubble bath, mine, without asking. I casually exchanged glances with the highly relaxed mammal whilst making my way carefully to the sink. I picked up the sinkand dropped it on the lions head. Then I had a shower. After the shower I found myself to still be hungry, so I ate the lion. mmmmm lion burger. The clock on the wall spoke to me. I slapped myself a few times, as it had asked me to do so, and then read the time. I had five minutes before I would be fashionably late for the exam, so I manufactured a camberwell carrot, utilising up to twelve skins. I was half way through it when there was an almighty crash, and the windows smashed. Damn, not again, the ninjas were back. They paced around the room, preparing themselves for attack. I sat and finished the carrot, before shooting them with the M-16 I had hidden under the sofa. ninjas will never learn. i packed my bag and checked for mail, there was a package addressed to me. hmm, it must be a bomb. I passed it to a pedestrian in the street and closed the front door until the debris had settled.
I left for uni, indeed I was late for the exam, fashionably late of course, but I found out that the lecturers had waited for my arrival before starting. This was probably due to the fact that I was the only person left on the course ever since the incident with the tear gass in the ventilation shaft. one of the lecturers walked up to me, and I head-butted him, breaking his nose. Falling to the floor, the man screamed like a little girl, so I kicked him while he was down. I saw my desk, but chose not to sit at it. Instead I scaled the wall of the room, and sat upside down on the ceiling. The exam was easy enough, I just couldn't quite finish it, as i was still full from breakfast. An old man walked up to me. then he fell down.
On the way home, I decided to cut down a tree, build a bridge, and use it to get across the road, the cars all stopped at the bridge, and began shouting and yelling at me for blocking the road. I could not understand a word that they were saying. One man got out of the car and pointed at the bridge. "what the fuck is that?" he asked. I politely replied that it was an environmentally friendly ridge, and that no seals were killed during the building of it. it was only a small lie, but he wouldn't notice the seal carcasses I had hidden over the wall. Soon many more men and women had joined him in fits of anger and rage. I calmed them all down with a couple of sulphur grenades, but more kept coming. I had no choice left but to run. Past the library, down the hill, they kept chasing. I stopped in safeway to get some shopping in, I was beginning to feel hungry again. The angry mob politely waited outside for me to finish the shop. I walked out with the shopping trolley of food, without paying. The chase was on again. Running home, I ate the food in the trolly, before spinning it around, and aiming it for the mob. The trolley trundled along, tripped over a twig, and blocked the path of the mob. Arriving home again, I felt the only choice was to go back to bed, it was just another one of those mornings.
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