A tale of random nights

I woke up in the freezer. I knew this, as I felt colder than I would have done had I woken up in the oven. I must have been sleep eating again, and to my dismay, realised I had eaten myself out of house and home. The house looked like a half-finished packet of crisps, which had been chewed up and spat out in haste. I was so hungry I could eat a lion. Unfortunately I had already eaten the lion this morning, and Africa seemed to far away. There was a knock at the door, so I headed over to the said entrance to inquire as to what all the hubbub was about. I told the knock to go away, as it was blocking my view of the man behind it. The strange looking man wearing a suit with a silk attachment around his neck began to ask me many questions. I was having trouble keeping up with his inquiries. But he seemed adamant that I needed new windows and that he was the one to sell them to me. I assured him that no matter how hungry I became I would never stoop down to the level of eating double-glazing. I punched the man in the stomach, causing him to curl up and beg for his mother. I told him his mother was dead and left the house to search for consumption.

I found a pub. It was lost, as it had managed to escape from it's home, so I returned it to it's rightful owner. By now it was my local pub, and as with most pubs I knew just about everybody in there. I was horrified to find out that food was not being served any more, and after eating a bar stool when nobody was looking, decided to fill my stomach up with the amber nectar. I drank and drank talking to the people I knew in the pub. They seemed to drunk to care who I was or what I was doing, and happily ignored me in polite conversation. Suddenly something came over me like a steamroller. It was a steamroller. It had powered through the wall and knocked me to the floor. It began to roll over my feet. I was unable to move, and thought for a second that my whole life might be about to flash before my eyes if I did not react in the most efficient and quick thing form of reactions when under such an immediate sort of danger. The bulldozer began to lick at my shoes. Then I noticed that that wasn't the bulldozer at all, but an old man had dropped his pint. I grabbed his beard with lightning fast reactions and tangled it in the works of the giant wheel. The old man screamed, the bulldozer stopped. I decided that now would be a good time to empty my bladder, as emptying was a factor that had come into the equation of my thought within recent minutes. I pissed on the old mans head. The world was spinning faster than it should have been had I not had so much to drink. People began walking in slow motion, and I began swiping at them in a pointless fashion. I found myself being carried out of the pub by three of my closest friends. They threw my pleasantly into the gutter and told me never to show my face in this pub again. I said goodbye, and considered a doze. No, no sleep, must keep going, must find booze. I picked myself up by the scruff of the neck, clipped my ear-hole, and as it seemed that parts of myself were scattered around the street in a random state, pulled myself together. Taxis were streaming past like a convoy of mental patient escapees'. I politely stuck my arm out to signal one to stop, and found one hurtling toward me in an unruly attack attempt. I jumped, landed on the bonnet of the car, fell through the windscreen and ended up sat on the passenger seat. The driver started shouting at me kindly. He wasn't asking where I wanted to go. He kept asking why the fuck I had staggered out in front of him, and called me a drunken bastard. I was unsure how to reply to such a strange greeting, and so said thank you, and asked him to take my to the nearest club. I needed more booze, and I needed it now. He kicked me out of the taxi and drove off, only to explode delightfully moments later. Hmmm … that must have been the grenade I left in his glove compartment as a peaceful gesture of friendship. Another taxi stopped and offered me a lift, which I gladly accepted. The taxi man seemed much nicer in this taxi, offering to get me some help, mate. He seemed to think I was in a sorry state. Strange, I didn't feel that sorry, but I was happy that I was finally getting to club.

We arrived at a large building. It looked like the place. I offered to pay the taxi driver, but he said it was the least he could do, given the state I was in. He knew I needed more booze as well. I stepped out of the taxi and looked around. A lot of the vans around seemed to be playing minimal techno, with a built in light system on the top of each one. Inside the building everything seemed quite strange. The bouncers were all wearing white jackets, and the music seemed to be very quiet. I found the source of the problem, there were no decks. Luckily I happened to have some in my pocket, with a complete collection of records to go, and so set them up in an area where people seemed to be sitting down. I turned the lights off, and beasted the volume up. Coloured lights from the vans flashed outside. Music blasted out across the large room and down the corridors. The bouncers in white coats looked at me, and asked me what the fuck I was doing. They tried to explain that a hospital was no place for a rave. I told them I already knew this, and that I wasn't planning my next show yet. I asked them if they had any drugs. And they laughed. They asked me where I thought I was. I was obviously right here, and told them to get their eyes tested. By this point several people on crutches were up dancing on chairs. A group of wheelchair folk entered and began selling Valium at a rather cheap rate, so I got a few of them, and played on. Finally this party was beginning to take shape. To of the men in White coats stripped off their coats and began beasting it on the dance floor. Two others seemed to be on the phone. Soon the lights came on, and people rushed up to me. They smashed the decks, and everybody that was dancing got pushed outside. I guess it must have been closing time. I must admit, it was a good club. Possibly the best I have ever been to. I headed home in an orderly calm and collective manner, only destroying three cars, two buildings and a billboard, in an insignificant manner, on the way. I reached my home and jumped through the window. My bed called to me. It kept asking where I had been, and so as I climbed in and curled up, I explained. It had been just another one of those nights. …