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Vampires Vs Zombies

Okay, I've watched this movie twice now, I have researched it heavily on the net, I have asked several people on there opinions. I have even gone to the length of reading the original Sheridan Lafanu Classic 'Carmilla', a book that this movie is supposed to be based on. I feel that the best way to review this movie is to describe a game to play whilst watching it. As the plot of the movie doesn't seem to make any sense at all, here is the plot of the book.

You broke my Ceegar!Laura lives in a castle in Syberia with her Father, Mr De Lafontaine. They carry on with their lives blissfully and peacefully. One day they get a letter from the 'General' a man who has made it his mission in life to avenge his daughters death. He makes claims of supernatural powers being at work, and explains that he will visit them soon. Meanwhile, a chance encounter with a strange woman results in the Lafontaines looking after her Daughter, Carmilla, for several months. Soon Laura starts to be overwhelmed by strange dreams, and begins to come down with a strange illness. Who is this mysterious Carmilla? And just what has she to do with Laura's condition, and the General?

I have invented this game and would like as many people as possible to play it, and let me know what their results are. I even have a catchy name, and would have a jingle too, but I can't be arsed with that. It's called the "this movie doesn't make any fucking sense" game.

All you have to do is, whilst watching the movie, try to come up with a complete plot that explains what is happening. I mean complete, all questions answered, everything makes sense, absolutely complete.

It will have to answer such questions as ...

 

  • Why can vampires walk around in day light?
  • Why are they all lesbians?
  • Why is a girl called Bob? and why does she shoot herself?
  • When is the movie a dream and when is it real?
  • Why does killing zombies appear to be an accepted part of life that doesn't make anyone bat an eyelid?
  • Why does Travis Fontaine spot and run down a zombie without slowing down whilst driving his car, yet when faced with a woman with an obvious hostage in the back of her car, accept the excuse that she is a zombie too?
  • And why does he then let a girl, which he later openly reveals that he knows is the head vampire, drive with him in his car?
  • And then let her drive off, alone with his daughter in a stolen car?
    What the hell is the asylum scene all about?
  • What the hell is the green goo all about?
  • Why does the head vampire suddenly start dressing like a nurse?
  • Why are there never any vampires fighting Zombies?
  • What is the significance of the necklace? what is it made of? why does it kill vampires? and how does Jenna know that?

In fact sod it, it's just as much fun trying to come up with as many questions about this movie too.

I have my plot, and I have to admit it is not quite there, but it is a pretty good effort. If you want to play the game then obiously, you shouldn't read what that plot is, you should go in with a blank canvas, If not, then here is my solution. (major spoiler!)

 

In Conclusion

'Vampires vs Zombies' has no moment in it where there are actually Vampires fighting Zombies. Everyone in the movie seems to know exactly what is going on, yet they seem very reluctant to let the audience in on this. And somehow it is based on a classic 19th century horror novel. How? Why? What the hell is going on?

Bad rating:
BRAINMELT:

SBIF:

You broke my fucking Ceegar!

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